Saturday, September 3, 2011

Not Even I Could Make This Up!

There is no way to prepare someone for what I am about to share with you. Even I could not make this up and you know my imgination. It is so bad I am not even sure I should share it. I mean there are some of you that have already dropped me because you think I could be as Gretchen likes to say about the actors she works with.....Bat Sh** Crazy! I swear to you a woman I use to work with years ago phoned me and told me this about her hubby.




 
Somehow we got on the subject of sleep walking. I think it started with me mentioning to her that I was up all night and was hoping to go to bed early tonight. She then tells me she is a little worried about her husband because he has been sleep walking. What makes this story even funnier is the way she tells it. I mean she is so serious and never once changes the tone of her voice. It was like we talking about something as unimportant as going to get our nails done.


Well hang on to your coffee cups because when I tell you what she told me about her husband and sleep walking you are going to probably spit your coffee all over your screen. I would give up cookies and Dr Pepper for a wekk if I could just tell this to you the way it was told to me.


It seems for a while now her husband gets up in his sleep looking for something to eat. She started finding things half eaten in their kitchen or laying on the counter and could not figure out why. The very first thing she found was a empty package of cat treats. Now I kid you not when she told me that she ask him why all the cat treats were gone he got a real funny look on his face and told her she must of left them there. She swore to me that she knew dang well she had not given their cat a full bag of treats and then left the empty bag on the counter.


I laughed so hard that I embarrassed myself. I can just see her skinny husband standing there a sleep eating cat treats.


Oh believe me it gets even better. She has found cat food and dog food out along with other things in her cabinets. Then she said one morning she went into the bathroom and her deorderant was on the floor with a big bite out of it. She said when she confronted him with this of course he denied it all.


I have to tell you even now typing this I can not see the key board for tears falling down my face laughing so hard. You read it right he supposedly took a bite of her deorderant. I was laughing to hard to ask her if he ate it. Seems like she mentioned something else odd was eaten in the bathroom.


After the deorderant incident she said she started worrying about him because he is totally unaware of doing this. They think he even drank some of her liquid dish washing.


By now I am laughing so hard that my sides are hurting. It has been a while since I have had a laugh like this.


For the last six months she has been calling me about the fear of him cheating on her. He has been staying out late and not coming home after work and other things. Well you know me I got mad hearing some of things she told me these last few months so when she told me this today I told her its a good thing I wasn't married to him because with him walking in his sleep drinking and eating all kinds of things I could just picture some dishes I would have sitting around for him.


Of course this made her laugh but then she continued to tell me that one night she got up and checked on him and he was peeing in her dryer. I knew then I could not hear anymore. She said she screamed so loud when she found him doing this that it startled him so bad that she thought he was going to have a heart attack.


Oh she also told me that he has banged his head so hard walking into something in his sleep that he has cuts and even one time woke up with a black eye.


If this had come from any other woman besides her I don't know if I could believe all these stories. But she is a shy quite type that would never make up fabrications especially of this nature. By now try to picture her so serious on one end of the phone and me absolutely uncontrollable on the opposite end. I mean seriously how can one prepare theirself for a conversation like the one I had with her.


Even now I can't hardly repeat it without loosing it. Could you tell someone these stories about your hubby?


Then she tells me that he is like 58 and she is worried that this is only the beginning of her life with him in his old age. I can tell you right now Ms Pearl would not allow the man to reach old age. Not if he pees anywhere but the commode in the bathroom. No Way!


Good thing I never see this couple and that we don't live close because I am telling you I don't think I can ever look at the man the same again.


I hope I did not offend her by laughing so loud I woke up everything napping out here on the North Forty but to think of a grown man walking around eating cat treats or deorderant sticks is a little too much for me to not loose it over.


I told her to give me time to recoop from this phone call and to please stay in touch because here lately I have needed a good laugh.


Christi is coming today to spend the weekend and I can't wait til we are face to face so I can repeat this story. Christi has a laugh that makes the world laugh with her so I can just see how she will react to this.


Do you sleep walk?


I told her maybe thats why I have gained so much weight because I don't eat that much during the day maybe I am doing the same thing but just neat about it and not leave the evidence lying around on the counter tops.


Hope you come back soon because I love you visiting with me.
Love to all
Maggie




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